Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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