I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she smelled like a LAN party
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
