FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
