I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
