Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
