the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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