he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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