why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
