i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
