Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
