i think my tv is drunk
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You dont lie about slip and slides
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
