just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
