so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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