Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
