so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
