onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Holy sore nipples Batman
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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