Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So here I am, sexting at work.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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