It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
