It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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