I wish I could teleport
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
