Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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