She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
