I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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