Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
