I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
