I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
