I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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