I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
