What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
