My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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