Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
