If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
