if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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