I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
