I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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