why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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