I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
