sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
