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Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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