im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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