If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
