your parents love me but you hate me
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
