tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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