Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
