My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
