the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
