I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
