Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
