shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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