when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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