my phone needs a breathalizer
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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